Finding your fortress of well-being
Time and space is a precious commodity at the ABS but 64 people squeezed into the Marina del Rey room for a little over an hour to experience a mini-version of RT.
David and Kamilla presented and did a great job. We also got some very valuable feedback from participants who did had some problems with the workshop too. This sort of information is usually very valuable because we can learn a lot about how to improve the workshop.
Conversation is becoming a lost art. K-City
While speed dating can be fun and has a spiritual origin in another religious community, the point to “Reflecting Together” is not necessarily to meet someone you would marry. As well, speed dating can be a superficial experience, where members make very quick judgements on another person’s appearance or how well they can “deliver” & “present” themselves.
RCI is primarily a chance to practice your skills in communicating, listening, and looking at other people for who they really are. These skills, vital to all our relationships, are fostered with discussion and feedback. A secondary goal of the workshop is to get to know a number of people at deeper level, so strengthen the network of connections in the community. The ultimate goal is to create a safe place within a community where healthy relationships and friendships can form.
Reflecting Together spends most of its time in small group discussion of character traits desired in a lifetime partner. In discussion with other people, the focus is on listening skills where participants consider together how to get more out of interactions with another.
The RCI has specific steps that the participants follow with the result of having short, but meaningful conversations. It is the beginning of a possible relationship, in that participants can choose to meet with one another again in a social setting and know each other better.
Reflecting Together is a practical application of an evening of reflection and discussion which considers how to find meaningful positive qualities in other people. Finally it facilitates meaningful, personal interchanges even in large events where it can be more difficult to move beyond surface conversations.
Reflecting Together had its world premiere at the Boston Bahai Center at the end of July.
Kick off in Boston!
We were thinking maybe 30-40 singles would show up. Including 5-6 married observers, the attendance was 75 at the Boston Baha’i Center with some friends coming up from Maine and New York. Its hard to say this wasn’t mostly Brett’s promising email (see “three hours that will change your life”) who along with David had made so many friends there.
National Spiritual Assembly Member Erica Toussaint generously adjusted her schedule to open the event with some encouraging words about how we need to think of Marriage as a sacred duty, putting aside the time to prepare for it thoughtfully.
The feedback forms and the experience were very valuable. It seems that most of the participants did not know most of the people they talked to (Boston has many people coming through every year).
The feedback was very positive – here are a couple of the emails we got after the event:
“Thank you very much for the workshop last evening. I brought a non-Bahai friend with me who enjoyed herself very much. The presentation and the small group exercises helped both of us clarify what essential qualities we are looking for in a partner. For that we are very very grateful to you and the other organizers for putting this together.”
“In general terms, I love this workshop. So much. You guys are in-your-face breaking down walls that we’ve put up as a community. Walls that prevent us not only from cultivating healthy marital relationships, but relationships in general. There are two major lessons that I took away from the workshop:1) To recognize and appreciate the individuality of myself and others.This lesson did so much for me on many levels. In a very fearful and nonsensical way, I have felt (and still do sometimes) that there is this invisible standard of Baha’i-ness to which I am not living up and cannot understand. As a result, I’ve had trouble seeing the beauty and good in everybody, because I’ve been busy trying to elude the trap of not being good enough. When given the space to be and love ourselves, though, the beauty of our diversity comes out and the pressure to define what a ‘good Baha’i’ is subsides.2) To adopt an attitude of collective learning.Again, this did so much for me. It lifted the weight of fear of doing something wrong. With our eyes set on a standard so high that it can be hard to understand what it looks like in practice, character investigation has become a stigma for my friends and me. We tell ourselves that we need to be forgiven for ‘wrongs’ that we don’t even talk about. Thus we again trap ourselves in a state of fear and judgment, instead of love and learning.I thought the rapid character investigation was a great exercise. Regardless of how seriously people took it as an investigation of the people they were talking to, it helped to break down some of those barriers to communication and connecting of hearts. It was a good push out of our comfort zone.THANK YOU! I’ve been thinking about this workshop so much, and just like you guys said, it carries import for how the community functions and interacts as a whole (not just the married ones). I’ve been talking to some of the other early-20s Baha’is who went, and they generally feel the same as me.”
Though the Baha’i Faith makes clear that marriage presents a “fortress for well-being and salvation,” finding spouses is a challenge for many individual Bahá’ís. Factors such as high divorce rates, extensive educational programs, and collective itinerancy have augmented a growing pessimism about the prospects of finding suitable partners, and, in some cases, about marriage itself. The Bahá’í community is charged with providing a shining, optimistic example for mankind in all things, yet to this point we sometimes follow the confused society surrounding us, sometimes succumbing to its debilitating and pessimistic attitudes.
Creating successful ways for men and women to find spouses, then, is a challenge facing the Bahá’ís, and this workshop, created in consultation by an interdisciplinary group of married and single Bahá’ís, is a step towards helping individuals refine their attitudes about marriage and develop skills in understanding, reflecting and acting upon their own needs and individual duties regarding relationships and marriage, and to use our evolving understanding to create healthy Bahá’í marriages.
Five key principles frame the workshop: 1) marriage is a law of God and an act of service that should be encouraged and supported by the entire community. 2) consultation is essential for understanding ourselves and potential partners 3) we should encounter all people with respect for their inherent nobility. 4) respect for marriage and one another will enable us to form loving and friendly relationships with many people, and eventually to explore marital possibilities more easily. 5) through truer interactions, based on the Teachings rather than on flawed societal models, we may develop eyes to see the enduring signs of attraction latent within others.
The workshop consists of presentations, small group study and social encounters, and personal reflections. Participants will meet a variety of people, enhance their skills in investigating character, and develop their appreciation for friendship, marriage and the role of community in facilitating successful marriages.
